Darlingest blogonites!
A thousand apologies for my absence! I trust your hearts are now expectorating fondness.
I’ve been a very productive, then illness-plagued and now PIONEERING lass of late! I’ve had huge internal discoveries and I’m expelling myself out into the universe to make some external ones too!
Yes, aves and apis (birds ‘n’ bees for geeks), I have applied to volunteer in Thailand and Bali, teaching English! I know what you’re thinking… You have to actually adhere to the basic structure and established vocabularation of a language to teach it… but I hope to rein this Neigh Neigh in a bit for the good of these new, blooming lives!
This decision to not only inquire but INSCRIPT myself in this life-affirming opportunity is indicative of how the past few pages of my ‘Novel Experience’ experiment have been playing out! In the past week I’ve applied to 2 volunteer programs, 3 writing gigs as well as sending a video application for my dream job as a lingerie vendeuse. Excitement; expression; exhibitionism… That’s what the paint on my canvas now!
With the support of my psychologist, friends who give infinite extension of their ear lending and – of course – numero uno, I have realised that I have let resentment, fear and an obsessive hunt for approval dilute the richness of my life. I’ve been like a lioness hunting without actually wanting to sink her teeth into anything; without even thinking she could catch even the wobbliest of wildebeest. No more. I’m ready. I just can’t wait to be queen.
At the start of the year I wrote a declaration to devote myself to this quest into the wild; into wellness. I had the talk then, now I feel like I have the walk. And that’s a point I want to make. I am not BEGINNING this journey now. I am just noting the feet I am following. I think that’s something about making resolutions. I am ‘affirm believer’, and support goal-setting like a show-mum at a Spirit Finger Competition. But what life has learned me lately is that there is no separate ‘New Start’ to headline and heed. No. The future is now, as Marty McFly has undoubtedly thought, and porbably said over the course of the 3 films. If he hasn’t let me prepare my haughty-letter-hatching type writer. But I digress!
I’m demosntrably a very visual vixen, so the way I’ve been looking at myself and my personal growth is with the image of a jar to fill up unti lthe lid pops off. Recently, I realised I’d been waiting for that spontaneous moment where the lid would catapult off into the rest of Life’s Kitchen. But now I see it differently. We’ve all had those self-actualizing, brutish battles to open the jar of pre-made pasta sauce. I know my family isn’t the soul subscriber to Instant Italian cuisine… Guys? Mi scusi? Anyway the transcient glory of popping said jar-top was always met with awe and indignation, in equal measure. ‘I LOOSENED IT FOR YOU!’ your brother/mother/blasphemous Italian aunt would contest. And as a infamously victorious lid-loosener, know that I rob myself when I admit that… well… they were right. Contrary to instant gratifcation implied by its ingredients, that jar taught me that success takes both time and teamwork. So let’s twist again and take a moment to look back on proclamations we’ve made; goals we’ve set and kicked and boxes we didn’t even realize we’ve ticked:
January 1st, 2014.
This year I dedicate myself to wellness and action.
I will live moment to moment. I will shed my yesterday skin. I will breathe in this air right now. I will look forward to tomorrow. I will truly have a HAPPY New Year and dedicate myself to helping others to do the same. I will take my own steps on my path. Each time I trip is a new journey: disorientation leads to discovery. I will enjoy being a woman: I will feel pretty and witty each day. I will rejoice in new shoes and a smoky sunset. I will take the time each morning to connect to myself and my world. I will create at every corner. I will live and breathe my words. I will share my thoughts. I will truly OWN this year in a way I never have before; in a way that intimidates me. If my dreams aren’t scaring me, then they’re not big enough. I will take positivity off the page and live it. I will commit myself to courage. Courage enough to reach for the highest shelf; to make that call; courage enough to say I truly gave everything to a moment. I’ve spent my whole life holding myself back. I don’t resent this part of me. It comes from a place of protection; of survival. I wanted to stay safe: to stay alive. But a life without leaps of faith; without butterflies and fears and inevitable tears is simply one of existence. Oscar Wilde said that ‘To live is the rarest thing in the World. Most people just exist, that is all.’ Well I am not most people. I’ve spent my whole life striving to stand out and yet longing to be accepted for my differences. I realize now that I can only control one of those things. It’s time to let go. It’s time to let go of this quest to be quantified and qualified by the beings around me. You are all beautiful souls searching for the same thing. People of infinite intrigue and passion with your own world to share in. Some of the best advice I have ever received was from my vocal coach,Stephen Costan. He told me 5 words that echo in my artistic, anxious, ambitious soul whenever I need them most: ‘You have nothing to fear’. I’m beginning to see anxiety for what it is: an illusion: a pair of shades that will protect me from the World’s shine and hide the sparkle in my eye. Because this universe is full of light: from the sun peaking between the clouds: from the smiles of my dearest friends: from the unique giggle of a man on the train: from that song that moves you to tears and those words that echo in my ears. There’s light in his eyes and shooting across the beachside skies. This year I commit to creating each moment; to loving it; and to loving myself and my fellow human for making it what it is. This year I will be honest and open. I will love myself the way I want you to love me. I am a chaotic, crazy, kind, passionate philosopher who has just learned to admit that I crave love down to my core. My vulnerability is my strength. I will be brave enough to let you in. I’m going to let you in my walls and help me knock them down. I won’t let myself push you away. This year I’m going to write beautiful, inspiring, ridiculous things and people will read them. People will hear them. I’m going to act. I’m going to take ACTION. I am going to live for myself and NOBODY else. I am going to give up control and concepts of perfection, because it has made me sick and held me back for far too long. I won’t be paralysed or antagonized by that voice that says ‘enough is never enough’. FUCK you. I am enough. This piece I’m writing is enough. It’s not perfect. Neither am I; but it’s a piece of me that I dare to share with other hearts and minds. It may be loved; hated or ignored. I may be loved; hated or ignored. But these words are mine. This voice is mine. This day is mine. This year is mine.
2014. I am going to own it.
It is utterly inspiring for me to re-read this piece below and realize how far little steps have taken me. I said I’d share my thoughts. I have now gotten close to 700 views on a blog I never knew I’d even begin, let alone maintain. I said I’d let people in. I am now 3 months into the most loving, honest, supportive relationship I’ve ever known. I said I’d start to believe that I was enough… And I’m walking further along that path every day; prowling like a lioness, ready to sink my teeth into new, exotic, philanthropic adventures. I’m speaking figuratively of course… I won’t eat the children. As adorable as they are.
Fingers crossed for the volunteering gigs!
Naykid Natters 